The detrimental consequences of conflict are so prominent in the world that even for a little kid conflict is an obvious source of toxicity.

But what about inner conflict?

My experience is that most have little means to recognise inner conflict and it’s, more often than not, working in our bodies in the background.

Chronic tension, inability to finish projects, burnout, «uncalled for» breakdowns or lash outs, habits and behaviours that are filling us with guilt, regret or harsh self criticism and even physical illness and debilitation are some of the ways in which inner conflict shows itself.

Recognition is the first step towards resolution but most people are stuck there.

For example, I know that when I’m more stressed I tend to consume large amounts of sugar for which I then feel guilty and criticise myself. I can be with that information for decades still unable to resolve this painful inner dynamic because I have no idea what to do with that information and most probably I am not even aware of the fact that there are different ways to approach it.

A common occurrence in the situation above is that one takes the side of the critical voice and sees the binging part as an inner demon that needs to be fought against until exiled. So conflict resolution is allegedly a matter of will power, habits, behaviours etc.

First scenario is that it only works until the next time I’m stressed. Second scenario is that criticism creates more stress which creates more urgency for soothing which makes me eat even more. Third case scenario is that I actually manage to overpower my need for soothing (binging) and I end up obsessed with what and when I eat, following strict diets etc.

This would be a depressing article if I didn’t bring up another scenario that involves actual resolution.

But first we have to really get an idea of how inner conflict emerges.

And for that I will stick to my previous example and take you on a journey back in time… Let’s start with the part of me that looks for soothing. This behaviour or urge is innate in primates such as us and very much related to breastfeeding, being held, touched, moved in a repetitive manner etc. So I look for soothing and I find it (or I don’t) in the form of being fed.

Even if not a baby, glucose has a soothing effect on us and we can quite naturally find ourselves looking for glucose when in need for soothing. Nothing wrong with that, no inner conflict yet.

Of course life’s more complex than that. So let’s say now I’m 5 years old and my parents are fighting and I get so distressed that I cannot stop crying so my mum takes me out for ice-cream. Still no inner conflict, just the good old stress–>glucose/sucking–>soothing. Next day I hear my mum saying to my older sister “…these pants don’t fit you anymore…” while taking the unfinished plate of food away from her. Oh no here it goes. So now it starts to form. Food consumption is soothing and at the same time it can cause me to feel shame.

Even though this example is simplified, it gives us an idea on how something can be protective and threatening at the same time. The need to comfort ourselves with glucose and the need to prevent shame and loneliness when displeasing others with our behaviour or appearance will keep colliding over and over taking different forms, intensities etc.

Being human is hard isn’t it?

Both parts are trying to help but they do so in their own way which is unfortunately causing escalation in the inner conflict.

Management and eventually resolution of this polarity comes when we (our Selves) can become mediators and compassionate companions for both parties and help them release what they’ve been carrying.

First we need to really embody the fact that both parts are trying to protect us in some way. We do that by getting to know them, their concerns, fears and stories of how they took on their job. It’s also quite important to map them in the body and notice how they show up physically. Throughout this process curiosity and compassion emerge as well as connectedness with those parts of us and spoiler alert this is pretty much all they need.

So if we consistently meet them with at least some genuine curiosity then they don’t have to look for soothing in unhealthy ways and even when they do we will still meet them without judgement which will cut the episode short.

At the same time the critical voice won’t have to be so harsh and will turn more into a wise inner advisor or even a cheerleader.

Those two parts will end up complementing each other, balancing skillfully in an interplay between reward, boundaries, pleasure and effort with our adult selves as the captain and maestro of this process.